Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Uncanny of you.

My room isn't clean. I haven't brushed my teeth. I'm tired. I'm weary. I wish I didn't have to hear the lies anymore. I wish I was stronger than this. I wish more people understood that they make me tired. And it's nothing personal. I promise. But then I try to imagine myself out of this life and into another, butIcan't. I don't know what I want. Because if everything worked perfectly all the time, I wouldn't know what I do. So then I can only wish for the little things. For example, I wish my knee could just be healed all the way. Right now. Just. Goodnight.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Zoinks.

You knock-knocked
I who's-thered
and cringed
at the rattle and shake
of rusty hinges
And the door creeped open
I put your pen
to the page
and when I finished,
I wasn't sure how the scribblings of my name
had inked up that document
I hadn't read
the fine print
and before I knew it,
I was being wheeled through Hell,
but I couldn't figure out why
the halls were lined with
children
All I knew
is I just wanted to be
back
listening to the rain pittering
watching that iron rust red,
it dripped blood tears,
wearing away
So finally I was thrown
back into the dust
I'd so carefully
swept
every speck into place
triple-check,
sleep.

Monday, March 7, 2011

La la $

The other day somebody gave me $100 cash for Honduras.
I almost cried. I still owe $800, and most of it is way overdue.

I will trust.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Alphabetical geometrical infatuational information.

I don't think people realize how close God is.
God made circles.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Wolf.

I've been feeling a fair amount of social anxiety lately. Not being unable to socialize, but replaying encounters and conversations over and over in my head, noting all the incredibly stupid things I did or said, and hating myself for them.
Now for the funny part. But don't laugh at me.
Whenever I am in an "anxiety attack" (okay, maybe that's not the right word for it), I repeat the alphabet. Sometimes it begins involuntarily.
I sort of wanted to tell [Joan of Arc] about it, but I thought No, repeating stuff is for crazy people. Besides, I know what she'd tell me. She'd tell me to pray. So I will. But it wasn't the same as her telling me. So it didn't work.
Last night I remembered something I did that, in my mind, was stupid. So... abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. But halfway through, I stopped myself and said out loud (well, whispered), "No. You don't need the alphabet." I realized how much I actually liked the word "alphabet". I was thinking about it. Alphabet. Alpha. Bet. Alpha. Alpha and Omega.
Sure, the meaning could be reduced to Greek roots, but I knew (because of other recent happenings) it was sort of a message from God.
I could call Him "Alpha".

Friday, February 18, 2011

This is what happens when you.

It gets confusing. The way I feel one thing one day and another thing the next, and I'll find myself a new normal, only to have it shattered by a bad week. Again.
Hey, I don't care.
I'm a child.
I've got so much ahead of me. I can do anything I want to.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Dear diary.

Yesterday I hooped for two hours.
Last night I slept for ten hours.
This morning I'm baking cookies. Again.