Friday, February 25, 2011

Alphabetical geometrical infatuational information.

I don't think people realize how close God is.
God made circles.

Monday, February 21, 2011


I've been feeling a fair amount of social anxiety lately. Not being unable to socialize, but replaying encounters and conversations over and over in my head, noting all the incredibly stupid things I did or said, and hating myself for them.
Now for the funny part. But don't laugh at me.
Whenever I am in an "anxiety attack" (okay, maybe that's not the right word for it), I repeat the alphabet. Sometimes it begins involuntarily.
I sort of wanted to tell [Joan of Arc] about it, but I thought No, repeating stuff is for crazy people. Besides, I know what she'd tell me. She'd tell me to pray. So I will. But it wasn't the same as her telling me. So it didn't work.
Last night I remembered something I did that, in my mind, was stupid. So... abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. But halfway through, I stopped myself and said out loud (well, whispered), "No. You don't need the alphabet." I realized how much I actually liked the word "alphabet". I was thinking about it. Alphabet. Alpha. Bet. Alpha. Alpha and Omega.
Sure, the meaning could be reduced to Greek roots, but I knew (because of other recent happenings) it was sort of a message from God.
I could call Him "Alpha".

Friday, February 18, 2011

This is what happens when you.

It gets confusing. The way I feel one thing one day and another thing the next, and I'll find myself a new normal, only to have it shattered by a bad week. Again.
Hey, I don't care.
I'm a child.
I've got so much ahead of me. I can do anything I want to.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Dear diary.

Yesterday I hooped for two hours.
Last night I slept for ten hours.
This morning I'm baking cookies. Again.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Have at it.

He's been eating since Mom left.
Right now he's eating in the living room. We tell him every. single. day. he's not allowed to do that.
I don't even know if he's still playing his Xbox. I'm too tired to go make sure he hasn't somehow gotten a hold of some raunchy movie.
He didn't vaccuum the family room. Mom told him to.

He doesn't learn. And I don't mean that in a frustrated, ughsheeshwhenishegonnagrowup way. He'll never grow up, except by some miracle. His birth mother took that away from him.
I care about him, but it's hard to really love him.
And most of the things I say in regards to him, only one who knows someone who's like him would understand.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Well, well.

I don't know.
I've been busy.
In four days, I need $400.

Today is for me. I'm not going to be anxious today.
I feel like there's a space between God and me. Maybe I'm listening to Him, maybe I'm following His will, but when I go to pray, I have to cross a chasm. Like we're running two separate roads. And they're mostly parallel. I'm just not close enough.

I can't imagine the lives other people live. That's not what I want to say. I don't know how to say what I want to say. I can't imagine how other people live. I want to say, "without God", but that would make God sound optional, like me believing makes Him real to me and only me.
And when I step back, I can understand why an outsider would be repulsed by "Christianity". Because "Christianity" is so much about the "church" nowadays, and when you get a bunch of human beings together and make it the definition of Christianity, you're going to have problems.
I hate to sound cliche, but your relationship with the one and only God is yours. Yours. Not the church's.
That was rambling. But that's okay, because this is for me. Not you.