Monday, February 21, 2011

Wolf.

I've been feeling a fair amount of social anxiety lately. Not being unable to socialize, but replaying encounters and conversations over and over in my head, noting all the incredibly stupid things I did or said, and hating myself for them.
Now for the funny part. But don't laugh at me.
Whenever I am in an "anxiety attack" (okay, maybe that's not the right word for it), I repeat the alphabet. Sometimes it begins involuntarily.
I sort of wanted to tell [Joan of Arc] about it, but I thought No, repeating stuff is for crazy people. Besides, I know what she'd tell me. She'd tell me to pray. So I will. But it wasn't the same as her telling me. So it didn't work.
Last night I remembered something I did that, in my mind, was stupid. So... abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. But halfway through, I stopped myself and said out loud (well, whispered), "No. You don't need the alphabet." I realized how much I actually liked the word "alphabet". I was thinking about it. Alphabet. Alpha. Bet. Alpha. Alpha and Omega.
Sure, the meaning could be reduced to Greek roots, but I knew (because of other recent happenings) it was sort of a message from God.
I could call Him "Alpha".

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